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When we've encountered a person who's reality is governed by an observable and distinct lack of emotional intelligence, it's often due to one of three reasons. The first being that they experienced obvious trauma as a child which made them narcissistically challenged for their whole life experience, or, they experienced an unknown trauma through a lack of emotional intelligence they received from a parent or two or, they experienced being wrapped in cotton wool as a child in a 'do no wrong' environment, perhaps delivered by two co-dependent parents.

In all respects the individual that you experienced suffered from low to zero empathy and in turn they were never course corrected as a child in terms of say being told off or simply taking responsibility or accountability for their 'wrong/bad' actions as they transpired. In other words, when that individual was a child, when they did 'wrong' you would expect a healthy response from their adults that enabled the child to see it, perhaps feel it and to understand it and most importantly to emotionally grow from it - instead, when they cried and wailed, no matter the reason being wrong or right, they were soothed and comforted by their primary care providers and then when they grow into teens into adults, that behaviour becomes their norm in that when they are upset or emotionally challenged it is 100% someone else's responsibility to repair them and to soothe them because they know no difference, this in turn leads to actions that we call gas lighting, projection and other canny manipulations only to enable you to soothe them, which of course you will do as you had no boundaries and lots of unbalanced empathy.

In opposition then the way you love and understand your world view is also just as complex.

As a co-dependent personality type your foundation is built of empathy. As a co-dependent type your 'trauma' is just as hidden as the narcissistically challenged and stems from a similar upbringing. As a child you may well have been raised by a narcissistically challenged person which left you only ever being perhaps unheard, silenced or told that your stupid on a regular basis. I must stress here that if that is the case your parents were operating simply on what they know, as emotional trauma and bad parenting is generational and ancestral - it's as old as time. There are many complex reasons behind it all but the essence of which is that as a co-dependent you were left desperately needing parental love, metaphorically yelling from your heart about it and simply being ignored so you gave more as a child and got less back so you gave more. This creates in your heart space, mind and conscience that that is how we love, by giving in totality with no boundaries or consideration for self.

It makes the co-dependent v narcissist the perfect relationship in the beginning as we can all attest. It's usually the narcissistically challenged that can wake us up to our own trauma. More often than not, many good people sit in the space of holding the abusive type fully accountable for all that ails them, without ever realising that their own past has at least a 50/50 part to play in the inevitable train wreck of a relationship. You, are fully entitled to dispute that call based on your own experiences but, if you think that's not the case just consider that if you had boundaries you wouldn't be here now, and that having boundaries is a thing taught by good basic parenting - boundaries also happen to be the narcissists Kryptonite.

I'm no narcopologist as they say, rather I'm deliberate in my knowledge that whilst the actions of an abuser are heinous, wrong and often criminal, it's not entirely all their fault.

So where do we start when it comes to healthy healing?

Healing childhood trauma can be a complex and challenging process, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. However, there are some steps that can be taken to begin healing, these are to;

Acknowledge the trauma: The first step towards healing is to acknowledge that the trauma occurred and accept that it has had an impact on your life. It can be difficult to confront painful memories and emotions, but it is necessary to move forward.

Seek support: Talking to a therapist, counsellor or coach can be incredibly helpful in processing and healing from childhood trauma. Support groups can also provide a sense of community and understanding.

Practice self-care: Self-care is essential for mental and emotional well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature.

Develop coping skills: Childhood trauma can leave lasting effects on how you cope with stress and adversity. Learning healthy coping skills, such as mindfulness or cognitive-behavioural techniques, can help manage difficult emotions and reactions.

Build healthy relationships: Building positive and supportive relationships can help counteract the negative impact of childhood trauma. Seek out friends, family members, or a partner who can provide emotional support and encouragement.

Remember, healing from childhood trauma is a process and may take time. It is important to be patient and kind to yourself as you work towards recovery.

The first step is recognition, your abuser can be a huge neon sign pointing at you if you let it. The second step Is recognising and knowing a few things each day about yourself, I’ll start you off;

You have enough powerful empathy and emotional Intelligence to carry your own trauma burdens while enduring or carrying others and they let you because they had no choice – you however, do. Start there, with your objectively powerful self and build on that foundation.

There is more to come and as this space grows I’d like to focus in on each of the healing elements above in much more detail as is the pointy point, but for today, hopefully this helps someone!

Peace ✌️

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